Week 12 2026

Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down

I'm going to try to keep this relatively short, it's been one of those weeks where I feel like it was steady, kinda boring, nothing momentous, not exactly a step forward towards anything and not exactly a tumbling step backward either.

I feel like I've lost some sight over mindfulness and gratitude. I didn't exactly write within my appropriate window last week...I wasn't exactly happy last week either. I've been incredibly busy, especially at work, and perhaps it's exhausted my soul and will to aspire for more.

Perhaps I've been a little lonely in my head and thoughts, and although I've had certain days filled with social splendor; whether in person, parties, or even on the phone, I still can't help but to feel a little empty this time around.

The weather lately has been incredibly confusing, and it's affecting my mood in weird ways. A part of me feels like I should be grateful for all this heat, great weather, sunshine, but at the same time, it doesn't feel right at all. My seasonal allergies use to be seasonal...but now I take allergy medication all year round, every night at 12 am. It shouldn't be this hot at all, it should be mild to cold, I would expect to see all the flora and fauna bloom right now but I've witnessed trees and lawns around the neighborhood have already bloomed last month. The climate is so confusing that all the nature around me is perpetually pollinating and fucking with my sinuses.

This weekend, Kat and I will be doing our annual tax preparation. In all honesty, a part of me had been dreading this for a while now. I was procrastinating with collecting all the necessary financial documents for the past three months now, but it was really just one part of the equation that I had been finding shame about. My shame comes from the rental property.

I am a pretty shitty landlord. Many of my decisions have been influenced by fear. As much as I want to take a lot of thought into how I'd sound eloquent about this, I'll just brain vomit this like it is. I fucking fear strangers in my home. I fear squatters. At first, I also feared the loss of income; but now, I've learned to adapt. I was more open to convenience and familiarity and which is why I opened my home to friends. I swore and still believe in being an ethical landlord. I believe that people should be able to afford rent and live with dignity in this world. I've seen what greed has done in certain lives and I do not wish to recreate or relive those feelings. I don't see myself as a stupid individual but I definitely see myself as an inherently lazy and sometimes incompetent. I've definitely been quite an incompetent landlord in my own right. For fucks sake, I didn't charge any utilities beyond the month of March 2025. The rent I received was enough and was honestly satisfied. I was able to still visit my (rental/investment) home, foresee the condition (dirty and somewhat deteriorating), but be comfortable by the fact that I had good tenants who paid me on time. I haven't missed a mortgage payment ever.

As a landlord who manages the property solely by myself, I honestly and ashamedly admit that I suck at it. I definitely took a loss of income this year compared to the years prior but I stood firm on my principles and cracked under my own fears. Looking at the rental income and balance book, I didn't want to reveal to myself my own performance which is why I took so long to gather all my financial documents. I think moving forward it's probably the healthiest decision for me to find a good property management company or at least entrust these responsibilities on someone else.

Some interesting tidbits in therapy to myself this week:

'Expectations are resentments in infancy.'

'Speaking out of turn to fill voids is a sign of anxiety. Better to state your feelings and close the statement.'

'Acceptance takes practice'